hindsight

I started a new journal today (a paper one, that is). The last one lasted about 10 months. Amazing how much life can be lived in 10 months, how many questions can be answered! On the first page of my old journal, I wondered what the next season would look like. At the time I was wrestling with some big decisions about my life's calling and direction. I was consumed with trying to figure it all out. Now the questions that seemed so elusive and ponderous less than one year ago have each quietly been answered in the course of daily life. There was no flash of lightning, no sudden epiphany of knowledge or resolution. God simply wove His will into the fabric of my life through simple decisions and changes in circumstance, one day at a time.

The first page of my new journal looks much the same as the old one. Again I'm brimming with questions about our future. Where will we be when the last page is filled? Will our family have grown? Will our work have changed? Will our future be any clearer? But at this moment I'm realizing that perhaps the future is never clear, at least not in the ways we want it to be. Only looking back is the view unobstructed. Such a strange disease of the eyes we have, that we should have clear vision only over our shoulder and not up ahead. The purpose, I suppose, is to cause us to hold tightly to the hand of the only One who can see ahead. With Him at our side, any destination will do.

earthquake

I was reading in bed when I had the oddest sensation. First I thought someone was under the bed moving it. Then it felt like I was in a waterbed. I thought I was dizzy. But the whole room was gently rocking; the door and curtain swayed. That's when I realized, "This is an earthquake!" I was frozen to the spot, fully alert, wondering what this would mean.

Then it was over. No deaths. No drama. No damage.

But HE had made His point. For a long time, even through the night as I dreamed, and again in the morning, I felt different. Small. Fragile. Utterly dependent.

What I took for granted only yesterday morning, that is, the solidness of the earth, the immovability of it all, was greatly altered. This massive rock that we are planted on cannot be trusted. Even it is at the mercy of the Maker. It CAN be moved. HE is the only thing certain.

Don't we all need a reality check every once in a while?

today

Today is one of those numb and energy-less days where I don't feel like a whole lot of living, loving, or longing is going on. I'm mostly just trying to hang on to memories of what life feels like when I'm really alive. Strange how quickly one can go from soaring to crawling. Is that why Israel was so quick to grumble and complain in the desert, only days after seeing a miracle? Were they like me?

I guess what I'm really wondering is this ... Is it ok to have so-so days? Or is it always an indication that something is spiritually wrong? Is it even possible to feel really alive EVERY day? I worry, on days like today, that I won't ever remember how to get past this 'dead' feeling. Worse yet, I worry that I won't ever have the energy to even try. Then again, I've felt this way before ... lots of times. So that in itself is a little bit of consolation. This, too, will probably pass. But why did it come in the first place?